wondering

when you start to fill up that glass of win the second and third time, or that low glass of baileys and you are alone and the nicotine pads become those cancer sticks you swore you would give up, you start to wonder, wonder about life and its content.
i am living the right life?
what if i did something different, would i be here today?
when i was younger i never stopped to think, i just knew.
i had planed for my life to be an adventure. to be able to do what i wanted.
to just live and be happy.
that happiness turned pretty quickly into depression, and that what ever i wanted part, got replaced by bills, rules, behavior patterns and that word that i always hated keeps turning up: MUST!
i must do this and i must do that and i must be in a way that is acceptable to others.
what if i say fuck it? how many people want to say that?!
i was the person that always left, i just left. i have traveled and seen a lot, lived all over and was so happy about that.
my dream job: actress or flight attended, that way i could be places other that home. dream places. it worked, my flying away all the time. it worked for sometime, then i got an apartment, then i opened my own business, then i fucked it up!
now i just wonder where that girl is? that wonderful creature that i loved so much.
that was free to breath and never wonder what if...

could it be love?

there are people in this world that just do not get it.
people who only care about them selfs, but funny enough those are the people that get ahead and sometimes the people we fall for and look up to.
most of the time if someone treats you like shit, you go back to them, you remember them when they live you, you cry about them when you are left alone to pick up the pieces.
if someone is too good to be true, you will find a way to complain.
i met a group of people a while ago, they don´t necessarily know that much about love or its ways. they only know it in its purest form.
i tried to explain the pain and anguish it brings with it, but with no luck of comprehension.
they had to fell it.
that is what i forgot.
you must feel it.
you must feel love.
as a child you must get burned to understand what fire is, i guess that burning feeling is what we need.
we need to feel, we need to hurt, we need to wonder, all that makes us feel alive, then we know we matter.
it was naive of me to think that the fisrt girl i ever met would be the one, well i guess if we where in a fairy tail...
"coming out" is not really appreciated, everybody keeps talking about hearts getting broken and about the drama.
well i am proud to say that thought none of this has been easy on me, i would not change it for the world.
love and broken hearts, has let time guide me and give my heart the space it need in order to start beating in its passionet rhythm.
it is easier to love and fall in love if you already got your heart broken, then at list you know that you can love somebody for real.
and know that the ticker is fixed and without its holes, the only thing left to do is start living.