wondering

when you start to fill up that glass of win the second and third time, or that low glass of baileys and you are alone and the nicotine pads become those cancer sticks you swore you would give up, you start to wonder, wonder about life and its content.
i am living the right life?
what if i did something different, would i be here today?
when i was younger i never stopped to think, i just knew.
i had planed for my life to be an adventure. to be able to do what i wanted.
to just live and be happy.
that happiness turned pretty quickly into depression, and that what ever i wanted part, got replaced by bills, rules, behavior patterns and that word that i always hated keeps turning up: MUST!
i must do this and i must do that and i must be in a way that is acceptable to others.
what if i say fuck it? how many people want to say that?!
i was the person that always left, i just left. i have traveled and seen a lot, lived all over and was so happy about that.
my dream job: actress or flight attended, that way i could be places other that home. dream places. it worked, my flying away all the time. it worked for sometime, then i got an apartment, then i opened my own business, then i fucked it up!
now i just wonder where that girl is? that wonderful creature that i loved so much.
that was free to breath and never wonder what if...